Feeling Lonely and Anxious This Holiday Season? Discover How an Anxiety Therapist in Oakland Can Help You Reconnect
Why Loneliness and Increased Stress Are So Common Around the Holidays
As an anxiety therapist in Oakland, I’m aware of how the holidays can amplify feelings of loneliness. This feeling is so pervasive - just take a look at the number of holiday rom-coms showing up in your Netflix feed, all centered around the idea of being alone during this time of year. Real pressure tied to societal expectations can make stress levels spike. We’re told the holidays should be filled with joy, connection, and time spent with loved ones, ideally at social gatherings, cozy family moments, and exchanging gifts. If you are physically or emotionally distanced from family or without a romantic partner (and wishing this weren’t the case), your loneliness can feel even more intense.
And then there’s money. With the weight of gift-giving and holiday spending looming over many people, it's easy to overextend yourself financially, even when money is tight. The pressure to create holiday “magic” for your loved ones can feel overwhelming and fuel financial stress. This is especially true if you are experiencing when making ends meet is a struggle or you are feeling a sense of scarcity internally by feeling like you’re not enough. The result of this is increased holiday stress which can lead to feeling even more disconnected from others whether by avoiding gift exchanges, social gatherings or simply because we feel inadequate.
The Link Between Childhood Holiday Experiences and Holiday Stress: Thoughts from an Anxiety Therapist in Oakland
Let’s explore your relationship with the holidays. For many, the winter season brings a sense of joy and anticipation, often rooted in positive childhood memories. Some look forward to the holidays as a time of real happiness, gratitude, and peace. People who are part of a religious community may experience increased connection and solace in their religious community and beliefs.
Your experiences from childhood holidays may influence how you experience the holidays now as an adult. If your holiday memories were more negative or stressful, you may find that those feelings resurface, leading to discomfort or anxiety during this time. Here are just a few scenarios that illustrate how difficult holiday experiences can affect children.
You had to go back and forth between divorced parents - You felt pressure to please both parents and were burdened by being caught in the middle. Managing conflicting schedules or expectations left you feeling guilty, exhausted or confused.
You were an "outsider" at family events and celebrations - You felt or were treated differently than others because you were a step or half-sibling, were a different race or ethnicity or one of your parents was not accepted by the family.
You had an absent or emotionally unavailable parent - If your parent was emotionally distant or physically not there because they were dealing with their own mental health issues or other struggles, the holidays may bring up feeling neglected or lacking support.
Holidays meant family conflict and tension - The holidays brought more tension and conflict between family members so holidays were a time of increased arguments, unhealthy dynamics between relatives, or abuse making you feel the need to bolster your armor to protect yourself or you were looking for escape routes to get away from it all.
There wasn’t enough money financial strain or lack of resources - You may have felt disappointment or shame because of your family’s inability to buy gifts or participate in the usual holiday traditions.
You lost a loved one during the holidays - If a close family member or friend died around the holidays when you were a child, the holidays can trigger an overwhelming sense of grief and loss.
You come from a mixed cultural or religious family or you don’t identify as Christian - You may have felt isolated, excluded or like something was “wrong” with you or your family as a child because you were not able to participate in certain holiday traditions due to cultural, religious, or family differences.
Inconsistent or lack of holiday traditions - Holidays for you as a child were inconsistent. Your family either didn’t’ have many or had changing holiday rituals or traditions which made holidays confusing and left you unsure of how about the holidays “should” feel.
Caregivers put pressure on you and the holidays being perfect - Caregivers pressured you to create the perfect holiday, not just in terms of logistics and your own behavior, but also being responsible for managing complex emotional dynamics. For example, a parent might expect you to handle all the details of a family gathering while also navigating their unspoken tensions, leaving you feeling drained and stressed.
Coping with Grief and Loss During the Holidays: Navigating Empty Spaces
Holidays often mark the passage of time and serve as milestones within a family, highlighting both change and continuity. For some, this can make the absence of a loved one even more painful. Whether it’s the first holiday without them or the anniversary of their passing, the sadness can deepen as you realize how much things have shifted. As your grief intensifies, you may find yourself feeling isolated, missing them so acutely, and struggling to find a sense of connection amidst the holiday celebrations.
Here are a few tips for coping with grief during the holidays:
Lean into your grief. Allow yourself to feel your emotions instead of avoiding them. The pain is there whether you acknowledge it or not, and suppressing your grief won’t make it go away.
Make a game-time decision about celebrations. Plan to attend the usual family events, but give yourself the flexibility to adjust as the time nears. Consider what you need for your well-being—maybe you’ll just show up for dessert, spend time with family before or after the larger gathering, or take a walk in nature to reflect on your loved one. Sometimes just knowing you have an option to step away make time with family or events more manageable.
Give yourself permission to take time off and to take care of yourself. You don’t need to follow traditional holiday expectations. Grieve in your own way, even if others don’t fully understand.
Remember your loved one with your family. Tell stories, look at photos together, prepare their favorite dish or light a candle in their memory. Snuggle up with the children in your life and make sure they are included and not forgotten.
Ask for help! If you can’t host this year or just need more support, prioritize taking care of yourself by leaning on those who would gladly assist you.
Facing the Pressure of Family Expectations: When You Don't Feel Comfortable Around Loved Ones
Facing the pressure of family expectations can be especially challenging when you don’t feel comfortable around your loved ones. Whether it's due to past conflicts, differing values, or unresolved tensions, being around family members can trigger feelings of anxiety, discomfort, or even resentment. Asserting boundaries in these situations can feel incredibly difficult, especially when you’re going against long-standing expectations or fear disappointing others. It’s natural to feel guilty or worry about causing tension, but it's important to recognize that setting boundaries is a crucial part of managing these emotional dynamics. This might mean limiting your time at gatherings, excusing yourself from difficult conversations, or clearly communicating your needs in a calm and respectful manner. You don’t have to endure uncomfortable situations just because it’s the holiday season. Taking breaks, finding space for yourself, or even opting out of certain events altogether can help preserve your emotional well-being and protect your peace during a time that can feel overwhelmingly stressful.
The Holiday Gift-Giving Pressure: An Anxiety Therapist’s Tips on How to Manage the Stress from Expectations
The pressure to buy and exchange gifts during the holidays can feel overwhelming, even if you don’t plan to purchase many (or any!). It’s especially anxiety-provoking when you're dealing with financial strain or feel obligated to meet everyone's expectations. It's easy to get caught up in the idea that you need to buy the perfect gift to show how much you care, but stress from this mindset can quickly lead to burnout. One way to ease that pressure is by being kind to yourself and setting realistic financial boundaries for YOU. Remember, the value of a gift is not measured by its price tag, but by the thought and care behind it. If you understand this but feel like the ones you are giving gifts to don’t, take a risk of having open conversations with family and friends about expectations—let them know if you're struggling financially or would prefer a simpler exchange. Make a budget you can stick to that feels comfortable and consider finding meaningful and creative like a homemade gift, a fun experience together, or a simple heartfelt gesture. Ultimately, the holidays are about connection, not consumption, and shifting your focus from materialism to meaningful moments can make the season feel more fulfilling and less stressful. You may even be surprised to find that others feel the same way and will actually feel relieved to scale back expectations.
When You’re Without a Partner or Close Friends: Managing Loneliness and Disconnection
The holidays can be especially tough when you don’t have a partner, close friends, or family to turn to. If you’re not in a relationship or surrounded by a close-knit circle, it can feel like everyone else has something you don’t. There’s the ache of seeing social media posts of happy families and couples, sparking comparisons that leave us feeling like we’re missing something we haven’t been able to achieve. Feeling disconnected is magnified by the pressure to be with loved ones, to experience joy, or to fulfill the expectations of what the holidays “should” look like.
The longing for human contact, for intimacy and connection, becomes even more acute when we're reminded of what’s been lost. It’s also so much bigger than missing people—it’s also about the context of this time. The pandemic has disturbed our sense of closeness and created a fear of physical proximity. Distance equals safety and closeness could mean illness or even death. It can seem that the days of casually hanging out or running into people in public are gone, replaced by isolation and the habit of staying home. Political tensions, the loss of familiar businesses, and the closing of favorite spots or activities involving getting together in person only deepen the sense of absence. This year, it’s important to acknowledge those feelings of loneliness while also being gentle with yourself. It’s okay to not feel okay, and you don’t have to force yourself to fit into the mold of traditional holiday celebrations. Instead, find smaller, more meaningful ways to care for yourself, and reach out in ways that feel right for you—whether that's a phone call, a text, or simply acknowledging the grief of what’s missing.
Lacking Holiday Traditions or Religious Identity: Finding Meaning in the Season
When you don’t have established holiday traditions or a religious connection, the season can feel especially empty. The absence of these familiar rituals, whether it’s a family gathering, a church service, or a holiday tradition passed down through generations, can leave you wondering how to find meaning in a time that feels so centered around those connections. It’s easy to feel left out or isolated, especially when it seems like everyone else is part of something with deep cultural or spiritual significance. But this doesn't mean the season can’t hold meaning for you. In fact, it offers an opportunity to create your own traditions—small moments that bring you joy, peace, or reflection, even if they’re not what you’re “supposed” to do. Maybe it’s lighting a candle each evening, starting a new hobby, volunteering to help others, or simply taking quiet time for yourself to reflect on the year. Finding meaning outside traditional structures can be a way to make the holidays feel personal, something that nurtures you, instead of just something you “should” participate in. This season can be whatever you need it to be, whether it's through small acts of self-care, connection with others, or creating a sense of purpose in your own way.
Disconnection from Yourself and Others: How Loneliness Can Affect Mental Health
Loneliness can have a significant impact on your mental health, often showing up in subtle but telling ways. If you’ve noticed that your energy levels have dropped, you’re feeling more irritable or fatigued than usual, or you’re withdrawing from activities or people you typically enjoy, these may be signs that loneliness is taking a toll on your mental well-being. Other signs might include difficulty concentrating, feeling hopeless or empty, or experiencing heightened anxiety or sadness, especially during the holidays. When these feelings persist and begin to interfere with your daily life, it may be time to seek support. Recognizing that loneliness can lead to deeper issues like depression or anxiety is important, and getting help, whether through therapy, connecting with a trusted person, or reaching out to a support group, can make a significant difference in managing these feelings. Taking proactive steps to address your mental health is a crucial part of maintaining your well-being during a season that can feel overwhelming.
Therapy During the Holidays: Why Anxiety Therapy in Oakland Is Essential for Reconnecting
If you're feeling overwhelmed by loneliness, anxiety, or grief during the holidays, I can help offer the support you need. As an anxiety therapist in Oakland, I can support you with navigating the emotional challenges of the season by providing tools to manage stress, help you with setting healthy boundaries, and processing difficult emotions. Together, we’ll work on coping strategies that not only get you through the holidays but also help you build long-term resilience and emotional wellness. If you’re struggling with disconnection or past emotional wounds, therapy with me can be a safe and supportive space to heal. You don’t have to face the holiday season alone—Together, we’ll work toward healing so you can find a renewed sense of hope and resilience.
Contact me today to find inner peace, connection with others and a renewed sense of hope and resilience during the holidays and beyond.
Author Bio:
Lara Clayman An Anxiety Therapist in Oakland
Lara Clayman is an anxiety therapist in Oakland who specializes in working with anxiety, trauma, online counseling and working with mixed race and multicultural adults.
Contact her for a free 15-minute consultation to find relief from the grip of anxiety and begin to feel like yourself again.
