The Power of Healthy Boundaries: Part 2 - An Anxiety Therapist’s Perspective on How Boundaries Can Improve Relationships & Prevent Burnout
This is part 2 of a two part series. Read Part 1 first.
How Can I Set Boundaries in My Family and Friendships?
As a an anxiety therapist in Oakland, I’ve seen how setting boundaries with family and friends can be particularly challenging because these relationships often come with deep emotional ties and long histories. However, it’s crucial to recognize that setting boundaries is an essential act of self-care and mutual respect, even with those closest to you. If a family member speaks negatively about your children or engages in gossip, for example, you can address it without reprimanding them. Instead of reacting with anger, try saying something like, "I understand you may be concerned, but I don’t feel comfortable when we talk negatively about my kids. It’s important to me that we keep our conversations positive and supportive." This approach lets them know the behavior isn’t acceptable while also offering an understanding perspective.
Similarly, if a someone you care about gives you a gift with unspoken expectations or “strings attached,” you can express your feelings without accusing them of wrongdoing. While it may be very uncomfortable, refusing a gift could give you relief from feeling indebted in the long-term.
If a family member or friend doesn’t respect you as an independent adult or tries to make decisions for you, you might express your feelings by saying, “I understand that you care, but I need to make my own decisions about my life. I hope you can see and respect that I’m capable of handling things on my own.” Instead of reprimanding, this approach invites them into a more empathetic and respectful conversation. Remember, boundary-setting is about educating others on what’s okay with you, not making them feel guilty. By communicating your boundaries clearly and calmly, you show others how to respect you, while also helping to foster healthier and more supportive relationships.
How Do I Set Boundaries at Work Without Feeling Overwhelmed?
Setting boundaries at work can feel particularly daunting, especially when you're worried about how it will be perceived by your colleagues or superiors. Fears of getting fired, not being promoted, or being seen as less competent are common, particularly in high-pressure environments where there’s cultural pressure to work as hard or as long as everyone else. You might also fear being compared to peers who seem to handle everything effortlessly, making you feel inadequate or like you're not pulling your weight. These feelings can leave you feeling overwhelmed and hesitant to assert yourself. However, it’s important to recognize that setting boundaries is actually a form of self-respect and can lead to greater productivity and long-term success.
You can start by identifying what truly matters to you—whether it’s managing your work-life balance, protecting your mental health, or simply creating space for necessary breaks. Begin with small steps like saying no to tasks that you know you can’t handle, or asking for deadlines that are more reasonable. You can also block off time in your calendar for deep work, ensuring you're not constantly interrupted by emails or meetings. Another strategy is to set limits on after-hours communication by turning off notifications or clearly communicating your "off hours" to colleagues. If you're feeling overwhelmed by your workload, consider prioritizing tasks and delegating when possible, rather than trying to do everything yourself. Setting boundaries doesn't mean you’re refusing to help or not contributing—it means you're creating a sustainable work-life rhythm that allows you to be your best self at work. When you communicate clearly and respectfully, you'll not only protect your well-being but also set an example of what healthy, sustainable work looks like.
What If I’m Afraid of Losing Relationships by Setting Boundaries? Insights from an Anxiety Therapist
It's natural to worry about losing relationships when you start setting boundaries, especially if you're used to putting others' needs ahead of your own. Spend time assessing your friendship and understanding the root of your fears. Unhealthy relationships can often show signs of codependency, where one person’s needs constantly overshadow the other’s, leading to a lack of personal autonomy. So you are giving a lot, caretaking the other but receiving little in return. You may feel emotionally drained after interactions, as if you're constantly giving but not receiving. In these relationships, you might experience competitiveness, judgment, or even betrayal, such as when a friend violates your privacy by talking about your personal life behind your back. If you find yourself sacrificing your own well-being to maintain these relationships, it's a clear sign that your boundaries aren't being respected. While it can be difficult to set limits in these situations, doing so is an important step in protecting your emotional health and creating space for more balanced, fulfilling relationships. Relationships that can't respect your boundaries may not be the ones that truly serve you in the long run.
A truly supportive friendship, however, is built on mutual respect, trust, and understanding and you honoring one another’s needs, space, and individualities. In these relationships, boundaries are respected and communicated openly, allowing for healthy emotional connections without feeling drained or overwhelmed. A friend who truly cares for you will understand and appreciate your need for boundaries, whether that means needing alone time, limiting certain conversations, or saying no to plans when you're feeling overextended.
How Can I Practice Self-Compassion While Setting Boundaries? An Anxiety Therapist’s Take
Setting boundaries is a new skill that takes time to develop, and it’s normal to feel uncertain or even make mistakes along the way. Just like learning any new habit, it’s easy to go to one extreme or the other – being too rigid or too porous – before you find your balance. For example, you might set a hard “no” on something in one situation, but then feel guilty later because it felt too harsh, or you may allow a boundary to be crossed multiple times before you assert yourself. Both of these responses are completely normal when you're learning how to navigate your limits. It’s also important to remember that others may have a big reaction when you start setting boundaries, and that’s a completely understandable part of the process. Change can be difficult for everyone involved, and there may be pushback, resistance, or disappointment when you begin to assert your needs. This doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It’s just a sign that change is happening. The more you practice, the more comfortable you’ll get with setting and holding boundaries. So, instead of beating yourself up for not getting it “perfect,” treat yourself with kindness, patience, and understanding as you learn this essential skill.
Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you tend to prioritize others' needs over your own. Practicing self-compassion during this process means recognizing that it’s okay to have limits and that you are worthy of respect and care. Remind yourself that setting boundaries is an act of self-love, not selfishness. It’s about protecting your time, energy, and well-being, which ultimately helps you show up as your best self for others. When you feel guilty or unsure about saying "no," gently acknowledge those feelings without judgment. You might say to yourself, “It’s okay to feel uncomfortable right now. This is hard, but it’s important for my well-being.” Self-compassion also involves understanding that mistakes are part of the learning process. If you slip up and let a boundary slide, be kind to yourself. Recognize that boundary-setting is a skill that takes time and practice. Change is difficult, and pushback is a natural part of the process. Others may be surprised or react strongly when you begin to assert your needs, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. With time and patience, you’ll get more comfortable with setting and holding your boundaries. So, instead of beating yourself up for not getting it “perfect,” treat yourself with kindness and patience. You might remind yourself, “I’m learning. It’s okay to not get it right the first time. I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.” By practicing positive self-talk and affirmations like these, you’ll gradually build the confidence to maintain your boundaries and feel good about doing so.
How Can Setting Boundaries Help Me Prevent Burnout?
Setting boundaries is an essential tool in preventing burnout, and a key part of this is connecting with your core values. By identifying what truly matters to you and what aligns with your personal goals, you can be more intentional about where you direct your energy. This means focusing on activities, relationships, or opportunities that nourish and support your well-being, while letting go of those that don’t serve you. When you set boundaries based on your values, you’re making choices that support your long-term health, passions, and priorities, which helps prevent the emotional and physical exhaustion that comes from overcommitting or overextending yourself. Being clear about what’s worth your time and energy — and letting go of the rest — is a powerful way to stay reenergized and protect yourself from burnout.
An Anxiety Therapist Dispels Common Misconceptions About Healthy Boundaries
Setting boundaries is often misunderstood, and there are several common misconceptions that can make it harder to practice healthy boundary-setting. It's important to clarify what boundaries truly are and what they are not. Here are some key myths about boundaries:
Boundaries are rigid or inflexible: Boundaries are dynamic and can shift based on changing needs and circumstances. They are not fixed lines but rather adaptable guidelines that protect your well-being.
Setting boundaries is selfish: In fact, setting boundaries is a form of self-respect and self-care. It allows you to honor your needs while also fostering healthier relationships with others.
Boundaries are only about saying “no”: While saying "no" is part of boundary-setting, it's just as much about saying "yes" to the things that align with your values, energy, and long-term goals.
People will immediately accept your boundaries: It’s natural to expect some resistance when setting new boundaries. Change can feel uncomfortable for both you and others, so be patient and allow time for adjustment.
Boundary-setting is easy once you know what you need: Even once you're clear about your boundaries, the process of enforcing them consistently takes time, practice, and ongoing self-reflection.
Understanding these misconceptions can help you approach boundary-setting with a more realistic and compassionate mindset.
How Do I Stay Consistent in Enforcing My Boundaries Over Time?
Stay Consistent - Staying consistent in enforcing your boundaries over time can be a challenge, but with the right strategies, it can become a natural part of your routine. One key approach is to regularly remind yourself of why your boundaries are important. Connecting with your values and the personal benefits you gain by setting boundaries — such as emotional well-being, personal growth, or a healthier work-life balance — can help reinforce your commitment to them.
Communicate - It’s also helpful to communicate your boundaries clearly and consistently. Be firm, yet respectful, and ensure that your actions align with your words. If someone tests your boundaries, resist the urge to back down, even if it feels uncomfortable. Over time, reinforcing your boundaries will strengthen your ability to uphold them and create a sense of respect for your personal limits.
Ask for Support - Enlisting support from others can also be instrumental in staying consistent. When you have a trusted friend, family member, or colleague who understands your goals and values, they can help hold you accountable and encourage you to stay the course. This could look like asking someone to check in with you regularly about your progress or discussing challenges you’ve encountered in enforcing your boundaries. For example, you might ask a supportive friend to remind you to say "no" when you're overcommitting or to help you stay on track when you're wavering. You could also ask them to be a sounding board when you feel uncertain about a boundary violation or when you're unsure how to address a difficult situation.
Remember, boundary-setting is a skill, and it's okay to lean on others who can provide encouragement and support. By working together, you’ll be better equipped to navigate challenges and stay consistent in upholding the boundaries that protect your well-being.
Hi, I’m Lara and Anxiety Therapist in Oakland
As an anxiety therapist, I’ve worked with so many people who struggle with knowing where and how to set boundaries. If you weren’t taught to prioritize your own needs, or if they were neglected in childhood, learning how to identify and communicate your boundaries can feel like a huge shift. In anxiety therapy, we will focus on understanding the root causes of your anxiety and figuring out what prioritizing yourself looks and feels like to you. Anyone can learn skills to set boundaries no matter how uncomfortable or frightening it may seem. If you are ready to take care of yourself, find more room to breathe and to find the courage to step into your authenticity, I’d love to help you get there.
Contact me for a free 15-minute consultation for anxiety therapy in Oakland, and let’s begin healing and tending to your well-being.
Lara Clayman Anxiety Therapist in Oakland
Lara Clayman is an anxiety therapist in Oakland who specializes in working with anxiety, trauma, and mixed race and multicultural adults. Contact her for a free 15 minute consultation to regain control over your anxiety and reconnect with who you are.
