The Power of Healthy Boundaries: Part 1 - An Anxiety Therapist’s Perspective on Why they Matter and How to Start Setting Them
What Are Healthy Boundaries, and Why Are They Important?: An Anxiety Therapist’s Viewpoint
As an anxiety therapist, I know how overwhelming it can feel when life gets chaotic, and boundaries seem impossible to set. If you’re a people-pleaser, perfectionist, or someone who finds themselves constantly putting others first, it’s easy to feel both emotionally drained, paralyzed by anxiety and terrified of boundaries. If you're feeling overwhelmed, burned out, or physically exhausted from the constant demands of daily life, this blog is for you! While the idea of setting "boundaries" might seem like a new trend, it's actually a key aspect of anxiety therapy. You’re struggling at work? The popular advice is: You need to set boundaries! Your friendship feels one-sided? Solution: boundaries! Your family expects too much of you? Well, clearly—you need boundaries! But here's the catch: setting boundaries isn't necessarily a quick fix, nor is it always easy. What do we really mean by “boundaries”? And are all boundaries created equal? These are the kinds of questions I hear from clients all the time—and maybe you're asking the same ones.
The truth is, setting healthy boundaries isn’t a quick or easy fix, but it is something you can learn to do. Boundaries are not about being harsh or shutting people out—they are about protecting your mental health, your time, and your energy. It’s about finding the balance between being there for others and taking care of yourself. In this post, I’ll break down what we mean by “boundaries” and why they matter, and offer guidance on how you can begin to set them even if you’ve struggled with this in the past. While this is general advice, please keep in mind that your unique situation deserves personalized support. If you’re feeling stuck, it’s always a good idea to consult with a mental health expert who can help guide you through your specific concerns. It will take some practice, but setting boundaries is possible.
How Do Boundaries Protect Your Emotional and Mental Health?
Boundaries are a key component of self-care and emotional well-being. They protect your mental health by helping you create space for yourself and define what is acceptable in your relationships. When you establish healthy boundaries, you set limits that preserve your energy, maintain your sense of safety, and foster respect from others.
Setting boundaries helps to:
Prevent Overextending Yourself: By recognizing your limits, boundaries help you avoid taking on too much, which can lead to burnout and exhaustion.
Create Healthy Relationships: Boundaries allow you to communicate your needs and expectations, promoting mutual respect and understanding.
Foster Emotional and Physical Safety: Clear boundaries protect you from emotional harm or physical overreach by others.
Encourage Calm and Peace: Establishing limits creates space for relaxation and self-reflection, which reduces stress and anxiety.
Grow Self-Respect: Setting boundaries teaches others how to treat you, signaling that your needs and feelings are important.
Model Self-Care: By practicing self-care through boundaries, you show others how to respect your needs and ask for what you deserve in return.
An Anxiety Therapist’s Observations: Key Signs That You Need to Set a Boundary
You're TIRED!
You are overworked and burnt out.
You feel like you absolutely have no time for yourself.
You find yourself called upon by others when when they are in need, but you aren’t getting much support in return. You may not even feel you should need it or that you are entitled to ask for it.
You fantasize about escaping from your life.
You don’t answer phone calls or texts from friends or family and are starting to avoid others for fear they might need or want something from you that you don’t have the energy to give. And you feel GUILTY.
Resentment is an old friend. You resent the role you play in some of your relationships or find yourself acting on autopilot but feeling put out or negatively towards others for putting you in a position where you “can’t say no”.
You know too much is being asked either explicitly or implicitly of you but you just can’t say ‘no’ or you’re afraid that doing so will have negative consequences for you or others.
What Are the Different Types of Boundaries (Physical, Emotional, Mental)?
Setting boundaries is often more nuanced and complex than we assume because our boundaries are not necessarily visible to others. Before we dive into what boundaries are, let me first clarify what they are not. Boundaries are not rigid lines drawn in the sand that demand, "Here’s my boundary, don’t cross it." Unlike a wall, boundaries are not meant to be fixed or impenetrable. Boundaries are fluid and flexible and need to be adjusted as you grow, evolve, and navigate different relationships. They are grounded in your values and beliefs, focused on self-care and honoring the care of others.
In her work, therapist Nedra Tawwab Glover identifies 6 key types of boundaries that are essential for maintaining emotional health. These include:
Emotional Boundaries: These boundaries are about your feelings and personal information. Emotional boundaries serve the purpose of respecting and honoring your emotions, not allowing your feelings to be invalidated and ensuring that you don’t take on others’ emotional burdens.
Physical Boundaries: These boundaries protect your personal space and physical being. They can be about how close people stand to you, what and how much physical touch is comfortable for you, or when you need solitude. Adults often hug, kiss or touch children without their permission. Of course this area is gray, but I perceive adult-initiated/unwanted touch as a common physical boundary violation. This example is rooted in my own personal and cultural lens and may not align with yours.
Intellectual Boundaries: These boundaries relate to respecting your and other’s thoughts, ideas, and opinions. Intellectual boundaries are necessary to be able to safely express your own beliefs and perspectives without judgment or coercion.
Sexual Boundaries: Consent culture has highlighted the importance of explicitly asking for and obtaining clear agreement (or not) to any form of sexual touch. Sexual boundaries are about understanding your own comfort level with physical and sexual intimacy, including what is and isn’t acceptable. It’s important to remember that a non-answer or silence is not the same as agreement—clear, affirmative consent is always necessary in any sexual interaction.
Material Boundaries: These boundaries protect your possessions and resources. This could involve how and when you lend things to others or how you protect your personal belongings. For example, if a friend asks to borrow money or a personal item, you have the right to say no if you're not comfortable with it, or set clear terms for lending. Setting boundaries around material possessions helps you avoid feelings of resentment or being taken advantage of, while also promoting healthy, respectful interactions.
Time Boundaries: These help you manage your schedule and prioritize your time. It’s about being clear on when you have time for others and when you need to focus on yourself or your work. For example, imagine a colleague frequently asks you to take on additional tasks or help with their work during your lunch break, without considering your need for a break or personal time. If you don't assert your time boundaries, this could lead to burnout or resentment. Setting time boundaries means being clear with others about when you are available and when you need to focus on your own needs or responsibilities.
To set healthy boundaries, it’s vital to pay attention to your feelings, needs, and values. It takes clarity to communicate boundaries effectively, and often we struggle with them when we aren’t connected to why a boundary exists. For example, if you’re a parent setting limits with your child, it’s easier to hold the boundary if you are clear about its purpose—whether it’s for safety or nurturing a sense of responsibility. If you don’t understand why the boundary is in place, it’s harder to stand firm. If you’re feeling confused or uncertain about your boundaries, take a moment to pause and reflect. Often, your emotions will be the first signal that something is off, and that’s your opportunity to listen to what you need.
An Anxiety Therapist in Oakland Explains Why Setting Boundaries Is So Hard to Do for Some People
Setting boundaries can feel incredibly difficult, especially for those who have spent much of their lives focusing on the needs of others. For many people, particularly those who have experienced trauma or have a history of being taught to put others first, it can be hard to even identify what their own needs are, let alone assert them. When you are used to prioritizing others or feeling that your needs don't matter, it can feel unnatural or even guilt-inducing to start setting limits. The pressure to please others, avoid conflict, or fear of rejection can make boundaries feel overwhelming or impossible to establish.
A major reason for this difficulty is the lack of awareness of our own emotions and physical sensations. Our bodies often give us important cues when something doesn’t feel right—whether it's tension in your chest, a sense of dread, or anxiety that lingers long after an interaction. These feelings can be signals that your boundaries are being pushed, but if you’ve spent years ignoring or dismissing these sensations, it can be hard to recognize them. Trauma-informed care and psychodynamic psychotherapy both emphasize the importance of slowing down and paying attention to these cues. Validation is an essential first step here—by recognizing and naming your feelings, you begin to reconnect with your needs and give yourself permission to take care of them. While setting boundaries may seem to come easily to some, setting boundaries is a pretty sophisticated skill that often has to be learned, practiced and reworked.
How You Can Set Boundaries In Anxiety Therapy in Oakland Without Feeling Guilty or Selfish?
Setting boundaries can bring up a lot of uncomfortable emotions, especially if it’s something you haven’t practiced before. You may fear how others will respond or worry that they will become angry, defensive, or hurt. It’s common to feel guilty for prioritizing yourself, especially if you’ve been conditioned to believe your needs aren’t as important as those of others. But the truth is, setting boundaries is a crucial act of self-care that helps preserve your well-being, and it’s not selfish to protect yourself from emotional or physical burnout. It’s also important to remember that your needs are valid — you deserve respect, space, and consideration, just like anyone else.
If you’ve been taught to please others, avoid conflict, or neglect your own needs, setting boundaries may feel incredibly uncomfortable at first. In fact, your initial attempts might even trigger guilt or anxiety, as you challenge old patterns of behavior. This is a normal part of the process, and it's a sign you're taking important steps toward prioritizing your own health and needs. Over time, with practice and repetition, boundary-setting can feel more natural and aligned with your values. It's helpful to remind yourself that boundaries are not about rejecting or hurting others — they’re about creating space for both you and others to thrive in a relationship.
It’s also important to remember that boundaries aren’t just about saying “no” — they’re also about knowing when to say “yes.” Saying “yes” means committing to things that nourish and energize you. For example, it might mean saying yes to spending more time on physical health priorities like exercise, taking walks in nature, or getting enough sleep. It could mean saying yes to giving more time and attention to your important relationships, whether it's with a partner, your children, or close friends who support you. Saying “yes” could also be about agreeing to opportunities that align with your values and passions — whether that’s pursuing a new hobby, taking on a project that excites you, or investing time in activities that make you feel connected to your community. By setting boundaries, you make space for these enriching experiences, allowing you to show up as the best version of yourself in every aspect of your life.
What Are Some Common Fears People Have About Setting Boundaries?
Setting boundaries can stir up a lot of fear, especially for those who are people-pleasers or have experienced trauma. One common fear is that others will push back, get defensive, or simply not listen—leaving you feeling unheard and invalidated. Some people worry that by setting boundaries, they risk losing relationships, fearing abandonment or that the other person will no longer like them or change their opinion of them. Others may fear anger or confrontation, concerned that their boundary will provoke intense reactions, such as resentment or even hostility. These fears are natural, but it's important to remember that setting boundaries is not about controlling others' reactions—it's about honoring your needs and maintaining your well-being. Over time, you may find that people who truly respect and care for you will adjust and understand your boundaries. You may find yourself needing to reevaluate your relationships with others who may not be able to accept the boundaries you set.
Anxiety Therapy in Oakland Can Help You Communicate Your Boundaries Assertively (Not Aggressively)
Communicating boundaries assertively requires clarity, consistency, and respect for both yourself and others. Boundaries are not just about protecting your own space; they’re also about creating healthy, respectful relationships with others. It’s important to communicate with both words and actions. If you say “no” but then go ahead and do the work task that was asked of you, you’re sending mixed messages and not reinforcing your boundary. Setting boundaries is a skill that takes time and practice. It’s a process, not a one-time fix, and it requires adjusting boundaries as your needs evolve or as situations change. It’s natural to feel discouraged if you don’t get the response you expected or you do get the response you were fearing. but that doesn’t mean your boundaries aren’t valid. Stick with it—setting boundaries is part of a healthy, balanced relationship, both with yourself and others.
Clarity: Clearly communicate your boundaries so both you and the other person understand them.
Consistency: Reinforce your boundaries consistently through your actions, not just your words.
Follow-through: Saying "no" is one thing; following through on it is key to reinforcing your boundaries and teaching others that you mean what you say.
Respect for all: Boundaries are not just for protecting yourself; they help create respectful, healthy interactions with others.
Practice and patience: Setting and communicating boundaries takes practice—don’t expect perfection from yourself.
Flexibility: Sometimes boundaries need to be adjusted based on changing circumstances or needs. You can revisit and revise them over time.
Emotional resilience: Be prepared for others to challenge your boundaries or respond in ways you that make you uncomfortable. This is normal, and learning to stand firm in your limits is part of the process.
What Should I Do If Someone Disrespects My Boundaries?
If someone crosses your boundaries, it can feel incredibly frustrating, especially if you’ve already communicated your needs clearly. It’s important to remember that you have the right to stand firm in your boundaries, and their reaction doesn’t change the validity of what you’ve set. If someone disrespects your boundaries, the first step is to address the situation directly, calmly, and respectfully. Reaffirm your boundary and let them know how their actions affect you. If the behavior continues, you may need to take further steps, such as limiting your contact with them or reevaluating the relationship. Setting boundaries isn’t about controlling others; it’s about teaching them how to treat you. If someone truly values you, they’ll respect your boundaries — if they don’t, that’s an important signal that the relationship may need to be redefined.
An Anxiety Therapist’s Top 5 Tips for Upholding Boundaries When Others Aren’t Respecting Them
Reaffirm Your Boundary Clearly: Calmly and assertively restate your boundary if it’s been crossed. Be specific about what you need and why it’s important. This helps to avoid confusion and shows that you are serious about protecting your needs.
Be Consistent: Consistency is key in boundary-setting. If you’ve set a boundary and it’s violated, continue to enforce it every time. Remind yourself why you set it in the first place. The more consistent you are, the more likely others will understand and respect your limits.
Enforce Consequences: If someone continues to disrespect your boundaries, let them know the consequences of their actions. This might mean taking a step back from the relationship, limiting contact, or adjusting how you interact with them. Be prepared to follow through on your consequences.
Practice Self-Care: Make sure you’re looking after yourself emotionally and physically. Upholding boundaries can be exhausting, especially when others challenge them. Take time to rest, reset, and focus on your own well-being to maintain your strength and clarity.
Seek Support: It can be helpful to talk to a therapist or trusted friend for guidance and encouragement when others aren’t respecting your boundaries. They can provide perspective, reassurance, and strategies to help you stay firm and confident in maintaining your limits.
Anxiety Therapy for Boundary Setting
With time and practice, setting boundaries becomes not only a protective act but also a path toward healing. If you weren’t taught to prioritize your own needs, or if they were neglected in childhood, learning how to identify and communicate your boundaries can feel like a huge shift. In anxiety therapy, we will focus on understanding the root causes of your anxiety and figuring out what prioritizing yourself looks and feels like to you.
I’m a therapist in Oakland who works with anxiety, trauma, and second generation adults. Contact me for a free 15 minute consultation if you are ready to create more positivity toward yourself and others, more room to breathe and to find the courage to step into your authenticity.
