How Divorce Affects Children: An Anxiety Therapist in Oakland Discusses Age-Specific Challenges
Anyone who is going through a separation or divorce in Oakland knows how navigating the complexities of divorce can be challenging, especially when you have children together. Whether you're in the middle of a divorce or still considering your options, you may worry about how the divorce will affect your children. Will your child blame themselves for the separation? Will they feel insecure, anxious, or abandoned? How do you make sure they feel safe and supported even if you're going through a messy divorce? If you're feeling this way, you're not alone. As an anxiety therapist in Oakland, I've worked with many divorcing couples who worry about how to protect their kids from conflict, minimize their stress, and keep their routines as stable as possible during this challenging time.
With the right tools and emotional support from anxiety therapy in Oakland, CA, you can help your child adjust to their new reality.
The Impact of Divorce
Children are often cited as a reason for delaying divorce or avoiding addressing marital issues all-together due to stigma or strongly held beliefs that keeping your family together - even if there’s high conflict or great emotional distance is better for the children than having a “broken family”. There can be a lot of fear about divorce causing irreparable damage to children. But living in a home where there is high conflict or stony silence can also have a significant impact on developing children. Yes, divorce can be traumatic. But there is a lot parents can do to reduce the impact on a child when their home and family life changes significantly.
Divorce is much more than the end of a relationship and a legal transition. It's a change in the feelings, routines, expectations, family dynamics, and a sense of stability that everyone in the family feels differently. And while many children are resilient, how you handle the breakup can shape how they understand the experience. What matters the most is how divorcing parents interact with one another as they end their relationship and parents’ ability to center their childrens’ needs and emotional wellbeing. So getting divorced doesn’t necessarily mean you are traumatizing your child - how you handle this life change can significantly support or hurt your children who likely feel very stressed, powerless and at times, caught in the middle.
In reality, divorce impacts children differently depending on their age, temperament, and home life. While each child reacts differently, understanding how different ages may handle this transition can help you better prepare and support your child through a separation or divorce.
Understanding How Divorce Affects Children at Different Ages & How to Support Them: An Anxiety Therapist in Oakland Explains
I think we all know that no child goes through their parents' divorce without some stress. But knowing how children at different developmental stages experience divorce and what behaviors might show up, can help parents ease the transition.
Infants & Toddlers (0-3 Years Old)
Divorce may not seem to affect a baby or toddler directly. But when parents go through a divorce, changes in care can result in stress for a young child. We know that young children pick up on emotional shifts even though they cannot put them into words. Babies and toddlers are hardwired to pick up on their parents’ emotions because their survival depends on it. Routine and predictability help infants and toddlers feel safe. So, any change caused by divorce may cause a young child to become clingy, fussy, irritable, have sleep issues, or changes in eating and appetite. Toddlers may regress to earlier behaviors, such as using a pacifier again or resisting toilet training. They may also react with stronger separation anxiety when they move from one parent to another.
How to Comfort Your Infant or Toddler
You will be more able to comfort your child if you are taking care of yourself. It’s especially important to be able to notice your feelings and, if overwhelmed, angry, anxious or sad, to comfort yourself first. Once you are feeling more regulated, you will have more capacity to soothe your upset child. Having consistent routines between homes to the degree that it is possible and avoiding exposing your child to your conflict will help your child feel safe and secure that you are there for them. Be patient with regressions and offer extra comfort and reassurance by staying calm, offering your child physical affection and (e.g. hugging your child often), and following predictable routines as much as possible.
Preschoolers (3-5 years old)
Preschool children are old enough to observe the changes that are happening, but too young to understand why they are happening. At this developmental stage, children are egocentric (they are at the center of the world) and have magical thinking - from their perspective of the world, they believe their thoughts can influence events. Because of this, they might think the divorce is their fault, believing, "If I were better, maybe mommy and daddy would still be together."
Your child may become overly attached to one parent and struggle to manage their feelings. You might notice them having bigger or more frequent temper tantrums. Again, they may regress and start wetting the bed or sucking their thumb or want to be a “baby”. They may also request help with tasks they used to do independently, such as dressing and getting ready for school. While it can be difficult to witness these changes in your child's behavior, know that regressions are only a temporary coping strategy and a sign that your child is seeking security.
How to Support Your Preschooler
Your child may fantasize about parents getting back together. While you don't want to hurt their feelings, it's important to be honest. Offer simple, concrete explanations, like "Mommy and daddy now live in different houses, and that's not going to change. But we both love you and will always take care of you." Remind them that they are not to blame for the divorce.
Photo Credit: Unsplash on 3/14/2025
Children at this age usually communicate their feelings through play. Encourage them to use pretend play, stories, and art and craft activities to share what they feel inside. You may want to give them a transitional object, such as a blanket or favorite plush toy to carry between homes.
School-Age Children (6-12 Years Old)
School-age children are more aware of what is happening but may understand why. They can become very sad and angry, blaming one or both parents for the divorce. Some kids may feel guilty because they feel pressured to take sides and "pick" a parent. They may worry about how things will be different in their lives and keep asking themselves, "Where will I live? Will I see my friends? How often will I see my mom or dad?"They may hope there’s a way to get their parents back together again or they may feel in caught in the middle. They understand not living with both parents full-time is going to have a big impact on them but they don’t know exactly how.
How to Support Your School-Age Child
Whatever your child may feel during this transition is expected. So, validate how they feel and let them know it's acceptable to be sad, angry, or confused. Let them know that both parents love them and there is no need to take sides. Encourage open communication, but don't insist—just be there for them when they are ready to talk. When they do, give them your full attention. Some children may ask a lot of questions; try to answer them honestly without going into too much detail about the divorce. This means give them just enough information so they can understand how the divorce impacts them. They don’t need (or want) to know details, complaints or blame.
Teenagers (13-18 Years Old)
Teenagers are often aware of divorce and the reasons for it. Still, they can struggle with the emotional reaction in ways you may not notice. For example, they may express their emotions through withdrawal, risky behaviors, or acting out. It's important to remember that these are coping mechanisms some teens use to handle overwhelming feelings and the loss of stability. Some teenagers may struggle with depression and anxiety, which often manifest as mood swings, irritability, withdrawal from family and friends, changes in sleep or eating habits, difficulties at school, or a lack of interest in activities they once enjoyed.
How to Assist Your Teen
It's essential to create opportunities for open conversation without pushing your child to talk. Respect their space but check in with them regularly. If you're worried about their behavior and well-being, seek professional assistance.
Divorce Doesn't Have to Harm Your Child's Emotional Well-Being: An Anxiety Therapist in Oakland’s Thoughts
Even though divorce is a significant life transition, it doesn't necessarily have to affect a child's well-being. Studies suggest that family conflict and financial struggles are major factors that increase stress for children rather than the divorce itself. What matters most is parenting style—when parents remain involved, communicate well, and provide stability, children adapt well to transition.
How Anxiety Therapy Oakland Can Help Your Family Through Divorce
If your child is experiencing anxiety, emotional distress, or behavioral problems during or after a divorce, therapy can help them express their feelings in a healthy way and equip them with coping skills to deal with overwhelming emotions. Anxiety therapy can help parents too. You don't need to go through this challenging transition alone. If you or your child feel overwhelmed, Oakland anxiety therapy can help. I offer a sensitive, research-proven way of guiding families through divorce with clearness, trust, and compassion.
Contact me for a free 15-minute consultation for anxiety therapy in Oakland, where we can rebuild your confidence as a parent and empower you to cope with your own stress while going through separation and the challenges of co-parenting.
Anxiety Therapist Oakland
Author Bio:
Lara Clayman, LCSW is an online therapist in California who specializes in working with trauma, anxiety, and adult children of immigrants.
