Parenting Anxiety and Boundaries: How Anxiety Therapy in Oakland Can Help
The Link Between Parenting Anxiety and Boundary-Setting Challenges
As an anxiety therapist in Oakland, I know how setting boundaries with your children can feel like walking a tightrope. On one hand, you want to be loving and supportive; on the other, you know that structure and limits are essential for their growth. But when parenting anxiety creeps in, it can cloud your judgment and make boundary-setting feel overwhelming. For many parents, anxiety stems from a fear of conflict or rejection. You might worry that saying “no” will upset your child or damage your relationship. Or perhaps you’re so focused on meeting their needs that you neglect your own, leading to burnout and resentment. Anxiety can also make it hard to trust your instincts, leaving you second-guessing every decision.
The truth is, boundaries aren’t just good for you—they’re good for your child, too. Boundaries are necessary for children to feel loved, safe, and secure. They create structure and consistency, helping kids know what to expect and how to navigate the world. When determining where to set a boundary, it’s important to take general health, safety, and well-being into account and let that be your guide. For example, a boundary around screen time isn’t just about rules—it’s about ensuring your child has time for rest, play, and connection.
Boundaries also teach children about relationships and how their needs might bump up against someone else’s. In a family, “rules” sometimes focus on what’s best for everyone, not just one person. For instance, a boundary around quiet time in the evening isn’t just for the parents—it’s a way to help the whole family recharge and connect. By setting clear, consistent limits, you’re helping your child learn important life skills, like respect, empathy, and self-regulation.
How do I Set Boundaries with My Child? Practical Tips from Anxiety Therapist in Oakland
If you’re struggling to set boundaries, you’re not alone. Here are some practical tips to help you get started, inspired by Nedra Glover Tawwab’s six types of boundaries:
Photo credit: @kellysikkema on Unsplash 2/18/2025
Physical Boundaries: These involve personal space and touch. For example, teaching your child to ask before hugging someone or respecting their need for alone time.
Emotional Boundaries: These help protect your emotional energy. For instance, setting a boundary around not tolerating yelling or name-calling during conflicts.
Time Boundaries: These ensure you’re balancing your time effectively. For example, carving out 10 minutes of quiet time for yourself each day or setting limits on how long you’ll help with homework.
Material Boundaries: These involve possessions and money. For instance, teaching your child to ask before borrowing something or setting limits on spending.
Mental Boundaries: These protect your thoughts and opinions. For example, allowing your child to express their feelings without fear of judgment while also setting limits on disrespectful language.
Relational Boundaries: These define the roles and expectations in relationships. For instance, explaining that parents make the final decisions about safety, even if kids disagree.
If you’re ready to work on boundary-setting with your kiddos, start by making a very small change or shift, make sure you reflect on your own needs as well as your child’s, be clear AND consistent, ask for help or support with setting and holding boundaries and be kind to yourself if it doesn’t go as well as hoped. Boundary-setting requires practice, creativity and occasionally throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks.
Boundaries aren’t about being strict or controlling—they’re about creating a healthy, balanced dynamic where everyone’s needs are respected. They should be dynamic and it’s okay to reevaluate them as needed. Anxiety therapy can help you explore the roots of your boundary-setting challenges and develop strategies to set limits with confidence and compassion.
How Oakland Anxiety Therapy Helps Parents Build Confidence in Parenting
Parenting anxiety often erodes confidence in your parenting skills, leaving you feeling unsure and overwhelmed. Anxious thinking—like constant worry, self-doubt, or catastrophizing—can make it hard to trust your instincts. You might find yourself second-guessing every decision, from what to pack for lunch to how to handle a meltdown. This lack of confidence can be especially challenging during two key phases: the early years, when you’re still figuring out your parenting style, and adolescence, when your child starts pushing for more independence.
Adding to this struggle is the cultural or collective resignation many parents feel when they see others “give up” on boundary-setting. It’s easy to feel defeated when you hear phrases like, “I’ve given up on trying. They just don’t listen,” or “There’s no point in setting rules—they’ll just break them anyway.” This sense of resignation can make it even harder to stay consistent and confident in your own parenting.
For single parents, the weight of responsibility often feels doubled. Not only are you managing the day-to-day demands of parenting—meals, school runs, bedtime routines, and emotional support—but there’s also an underlying pressure to “make up” for the absent parent. This can manifest as a constant, exhausting effort to be everything to your child: both the nurturer and the disciplinarian, the playmate and the provider, the comforter and the guide.
You might find yourself stretching to fill the gaps, whether it’s trying to be more patient, more present, or more involved in activities than you realistically have time or energy for. There’s often a lingering fear that your child is missing out on something essential—whether it’s the love, attention, or stability that a second parent might have provided. This can lead to feelings of guilt, inadequacy, or even resentment, as you pour everything into your child while wondering if it’s ever enough.
At the same time, single parents often carry the emotional burden of being the sole decision-maker. Without a partner to share the load, every choice—from what school they attend to how to handle a tantrum—can feel heavier, as if the entire weight of your child’s future rests on your shoulders. The absence of someone to bounce ideas off of or share the emotional labor can make parenting feel isolating and overwhelming.
Anxiety therapy can help single parents navigate these complex emotions by providing a space to process guilt, release the pressure to “do it all,” and build a more balanced approach to parenting. It’s not about being perfect or making up for what’s missing—it’s about creating a loving, stable environment where both you and your child can thrive. Working with a therapist can help rebuild confidence and identify what you have to offer as a parent so you can feel more clarity and ease.
Here are a few things we might address in anxiety therapy with me:
Identify and Challenge Unhelpful Thought Patterns: Therapy helps you recognize the anxious thoughts that undermine your confidence, like “I’m failing as a parent” or “I’ll never get this right.” By challenging these thoughts, you can start to see yourself and your parenting in a more balanced light.
Develop Tools to Manage Stress and Anxiety in the Moment: Therapists can teach you practical strategies, like mindfulness or grounding techniques, to help you stay calm and focused when parenting feels overwhelming.
Build a Deeper Understanding of Your Triggers: Therapy helps you explore the roots of your anxiety, whether it’s your own childhood experiences, societal pressures, or the unique challenges of single parenting. Understanding your triggers can help you respond to them more effectively.
Practice Self-Compassion: Parenting is hard, and no one gets it right all the time. Therapy can help you let go of the need for perfection and embrace self-compassion, reminding you that mistakes are part of the process.
Strengthen Your Support System: For single parents, therapy can help you identify and build a network of support—whether it’s family, friends, or community resources—so you don’t have to shoulder the burden alone.
Create a Consistent Parenting Plan: Therapy can help you develop clear, consistent boundaries and routines that work for your family, even without a co-parent to share the load.
The Role of Self-Care in Reducing Parenting Anxiety and Improving Boundaries
Self-care can feel like a luxury when you’re juggling work, parenting, and household responsibilities. It’s common for parents, especially mothers, to feel that prioritizing self-care is selfish. For parents today, self-care is essential. When you’re running on empty, it’s hard to show up as the parent you want to be. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself isn’t just about feeling good—it’s about building the physical, emotional, and mental reserves you need to handle the challenges of parenting with patience and perspective.
Self-care is often mistakenly thought of as spa days or elaborate routines. Self-care is really anything you can do or give to yourself to nurture yourself and tend to your needs. It can be as simple as taking a few deep breaths, going for a walk, or saying “no” to something that drains your energy. Meeting your basic physical needs —eating well, sleeping enough, and moving your body is important both for your wellbeing and your family’s. We make healthier and better choices when we are rested, nourished and at ease. When you prioritize these foundational aspects of self-care, you’re better equipped to stay grounded and responsive, even in the face of parenting challenges.
If you skip meals, stay up late to finish work or household chores and are generally feeling depleted, it’s more likely that when your child pushes back against a boundary—say, refusing to turn off the TV—your reaction won’t be one you feel confident about or may even regret. Hungry, tired, and stressed, you’re more likely to snap, give in, or second-guess yourself. Now, picture that yourself after a week of prioritizing self-care. You’ve been eating regular meals, getting enough sleep, and taking short walks to clear your mind. When your child tests the TV boundary, you’re able to stay calm and firm. You have a greater ability to listen to your own innate wisdom, trusting that the boundary is in your child’s best interest. So you don’t buckle under the pushback.
This is the power of self-care: it helps you find equanimity in the face of parenting challenges. When you’re physically nourished and emotionally balanced, you’re better able to set and enforce boundaries with confidence and compassion and less likely to react out of frustration or guilt. Therapy can help you identify what self-care looks like for you and create a realistic plan to incorporate it into your daily life. Whether it’s carving out 10 minutes for a morning stretch, setting a consistent bedtime, or asking for help with meals, small changes can make a big difference. By prioritizing your own well-being, you’re not just helping yourself—you’re creating a healthier, more balanced environment for your entire family.
How Parenting Anxiety Affects Families and Relationships
Parenting anxiety doesn’t just impact the individual—it ripples through the entire family, affecting relationships and dynamics in sometimes subtle but significant ways. When a parent is consumed by worry, fear, or self-doubt, it can create an atmosphere of tension and unpredictability at home. For example, a parent who is constantly anxious about their child’s safety might hover excessively, unintentionally stifling their child’s independence and confidence. Similarly, a parent who is overwhelmed by the fear of not being “good enough” might struggle to set consistent boundaries, leading to confusion and frustration for both themselves and their children.
This anxiety can also strain relationships between partners. If one parent is shouldering the bulk of the worry or decision-making, it can lead to resentment or feelings of imbalance in the relationship. Disagreements about parenting styles—such as one parent being more permissive while the other is stricter—can become magnified under the weight of anxiety, creating conflict and distance. Your relationship with your child can suffer, as anxiety might make it harder to connect with them in a calm, present, and joyful way.
Over time, these patterns can take a toll on the entire family’s emotional well-being. Children may pick up on their parent’s anxiety, internalizing it as their own or acting out in response to the tension. Partners may feel disconnected or unsupported, and the anxious parent may feel increasingly isolated in their struggles. The good news is that recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change.
Anxiety Therapy in Oakland Can Help You Set Boundaries with Confidence
If you feel like your parenting anxiety is getting in the way of enjoying time with your family, creating more stress or clouding your judgement, anxiety therapy could help. In therapy in Oakland with me, we’ll work to break the cycle of anxiety by getting to the root of what’s causing it. We’ll examine your fears, your worries, your desires and your hopes in your role as a parent and for your children. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. I’ll support you with understanding child development and finding your unique strengths and skills so you can build up your self-esteem and become a more effective and grounded parent when things don’t go according to plan.
Contact me for a free 15-minute consultation for anxiety therapy in Oakland where we can rebuild your confidence as a parent and improve your relationship with your child.
Author Bio:
Hi! I’m Lara Clayman. I’m an anxiety therapist in Oakland. I specialize in anxiety, mixed race and multicultural issues, online therapy, trauma, parenting and climate anxiety.
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