Why Self-Compassion Works: A Guide to Overcoming Anxiety with an Oakland Therapist
Why Self-Compassion Matters in Anxiety Therapy
As an anxiety therapist living and working in Oakland, I understand how tricky navigating the complex mix of beauty and struggle. Oakland is known to be a place full of culture, resilience, and community—but it’s also a place where many people feel the weight of chronic stress. Whether you’re dealing with sky high rent, job insecurity, the pressures of caregiving, or the emotional toll of racial injustice, the stressors of daily life are many and increasing. Even for those who have found success in their careers or education, there’s often an underlying anxiety about the next hurdle—an unshakable feeling that you must keep pushing forward, no matter how exhausted you are.
Anxiety can impact anyone, regardless of race, class, or background and suffering is universal to human experience. The way we respond to our own life circumstances, hardship and pain is largely shaped by personal history, cultural expectations, and long-held beliefs about what it means to be strong. Many people—especially those from immigrant families or historically marginalized communities—have been taught that self-criticism is the path to success. “Tough love” may have been the default approach to motivation, leaving little room for self-compassion.
While being hard on oneself may have helped our ancestors with their very survival, it may be less helpful -even harmful - to you if your personal safety isn’t immediately at risk. Self-blame, self-criticism, self-punishment or other negative self treatment typically causes suffering rather than alleviates it.
Being hard on yourself isn’t the only way. Self-compassion is a more effective and kinder way to reduce anxiety—one that doesn’t involve relentless self-judgment and scorn. I want to be clear that self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook or ignoring your struggles. It’s about learning to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a close friend. While you may be skeptical and see this approach as “weakness”, self-compassion has been shown to increase resilience when facing life’s challenges. Let’s explore what self-compassion really means, how it can rewire your brain to reduce anxiety, and practical ways to integrate it into your daily life.
What Is Self-Compassion? (And Why It’s a Game-Changer in Anxiety Therapy)
Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially when you’re struggling. Many people believe they need to be hard on themselves to succeed, but research shows that self-compassion actually helps reduce anxiety and build emotional resilience.
Here are a few key components of self-compassion:
1. Self-Kindness: Notice and change harsh self-talk
Self-kindness means offering yourself the same encouragement and care you’d give a close friend rather than criticizing yourself when you make a mistake or feel anxious. It's not about ignoring mistakes—it’s about recognizing that beating yourself up won’t make you do better; it just makes you feel worse.
2. Common Humanity: Suffering is innate to being human
It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one struggling, but anxiety and setbacks are part of being human. Reminding yourself that others feel the same way helps ease feelings of isolation and shame.
3. Mindfulness: Acknowledge your feelings and try not to judge them
Mindfulness helps you pause and notice your feelings. Be curious about them. What are they trying to communicate to you? All feelings are okay. Rather than push them away because you are evaluating them as bad or unwanted, just try to identify the feelings -notice what them. If you notice: I’m feeling anxious right now, try not judge it and let it be okay. At times you will judge your thoughts and feelings and if that’s happening, simply notice that and move on. This is the first step to creating space for self-compassion instead of self-blame.
Understanding and practicing these elements can help you shift from frequent self-criticism to a more supportive and understanding way of relating to yourself. This is the key to reducing your anxiety instead of adding to it.
The Science Behind Self-Compassion: How It Calms an Anxious Brain
If you've ever been comforted by a hug or kind words from a friend, you’ve felt the power of the brain’s caregiving system in action. Self-compassion taps into this same system, activating the release of oxytocin—the "feel-good" hormone that promotes feelings of safety and connection. Self-compassion also helps quiet the brain’s threat response. (When you’re stuck in self-criticism, your brain responds as if you are under threat, triggering the fight-or-flight response. Physiological changes like your heart racing, muscles tensing, and anxiety spiking, as if you were in real danger, happen when the threat response is activated.)
Practicing self-compassion—offering yourself kindness instead of self-judgment—sends a signal to your nervous system that you’re safe. This shifts your brain from survival mode to a calmer, more regulated state, reducing stress hormones like cortisol. Over time, this practice can rewire your brain to respond to difficulties with greater ease and resilience, making anxiety less automatic and less overwhelming.
How Self-Compassion Helps with Anxiety: Insights from an Anxiety Therapist in Oakland
Anxiety often comes with a harsh inner dialogue—one that tells you you’re not doing enough, that you should’ve handled things better, or that you’re somehow failing at life. This relentless self-criticism doesn’t just make you feel bad; it fuels anxiety, keeping your nervous system in a constant state of stress. Self-compassion interrupts this cycle and reduces emotional pain when you direct kind and loving thoughts toward yourself.
Imagine someone gets angry with you—maybe a friend, family member, or co-worker—and you instantly blame yourself: I must’ve done something wrong. I always mess things up. They’re probably upset with me because I’m a terrible person. This kind of self-blame triggers anxiety, making you feel even worse. But what if, instead, you told yourself: It’s really hard when people are upset with me. I, just like everyone else, can make mistakes. What can I learn from this situation? That small shift in how you talk to yourself can take some of the emotional charge out of the moment, helping you feel less overwhelmed by the situation. Also, no one is perfect. If you’ve done something truly harmful, you can take responsibility and try to repair the harm you have caused. But more likely than not, you had something to do with upsetting this person, but that’s probably not the whole picture. Try to see your part in things and work to not take complete responsibility for another person’s feelings.
Self-compassion is also powerful for those who struggle with depression or past trauma. If you grew up in an environment where mistakes were met with criticism or emotional support was scarce, self-compassion may feel unnatural at first. But just like strengthening a muscle, the more you practice it, the easier it becomes. And over time, self-compassion can help transform anxiety from an overpowering storm into something more manageable—something you can navigate with greater ease and self-trust.
Overcoming the Common Barriers to Self-Compassion
Thinking it’s SELFISH
Despite its proven benefits, many people hesitate to practice self-compassion because of common misconceptions. One of the most frequent concerns is the belief that self-compassion is selfish—that by showing kindness to ourselves, we’re somehow neglecting the needs of others. However, self-compassion actually helps us be more present and available for others. When we’re compassionate toward ourselves, we’re less likely to burn out, and more able to extend genuine care to those around us. You probably know someone in your life (or maybe this is you) who has run themselves ragged putting the needs of others over themselves. When you step back and look at it, maybe they’re doing a good job, but it’s likely that not only are they burnt out, but they are probably also not taking care the way they would if they were at their best.
Thinking it’s WEAK
Another fear people have is that self-compassion is a sign of weakness—that it will make them less motivated or more prone to giving up. In fact, the opposite is true. Self-compassion creates a solid foundation of emotional resilience. When you’re kind to yourself during difficult times, you’re not giving up; you’re building the strength to keep going. Instead of pushing yourself with harsh criticism, which can lead to burnout, self-compassion provides a steady, supportive energy that allows you to bounce back and move forward with more balance.
Shifting away from these misconceptions might take time, especially if you’ve been conditioned to value self-criticism as a form of motivation. But with practice, you’ll come to see that being kind to yourself isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a powerful tool for long-term growth and well-being.
Feeling UNCOMFORTABLE
If offering compassion to yourself feels uncomfortable, you’re not alone. Many people find it much easier to be kind and understanding toward others than toward themselves. I always tell people to think about how you would comfort a small child you love who is struggling—maybe a niece, nephew, or even a younger version of yourself. If they fell off their bike and got hurt, would you scold them for not being more careful? If they came home crying after a hard day at school, would you tell them to just “get over it” and stop being dramatic? Probably not. Instead, you’d kneel down beside them, acknowledge their pain, and offer reassurance: I see you’re hurting, and I’m here for you because I love you.
You could also imagine a dear friend going through a tough time—maybe they lost their job, are going through a divorce, a loss in the family or are overwhelmed with stress. What words might you extend to them to comfort them and let them know they are deserving of care and goodness? You wouldn’t tell them they’re a failure or that they should’ve done better. You’d remind them they’re human, that setbacks happen, and that they deserve support and kindness.
Now pretend you are talking to your friend or sweet child and give yourself some compassion. If this is too hard to do, ask yourself why is it so hard to extend that same warmth to yourself?
Practical Self-Compassion Strategies for Anxiety Therapy
Integrating self-compassion into your daily life can feel challenging at first, but with simple practices, you can begin to cultivate this nurturing approach toward yourself. Here are a few strategies that can be especially helpful for those with anxiety or trauma:
Self-Compassionate Self-Talk: Whenever you catch yourself thinking harsh or critical thoughts, pause and gently replace them with kinder, more supportive statements. For example, if you think I’m not good enough, try shifting to I’m doing my best. I can work on being “better”, but where I’m at is enough for today. Remind yourself that it’s okay to have setbacks—they don’t define your worth. And you aren’t the sum of your mistakes. Challenge yourself to name something good about you something you are proud about today.
Mindfulness Practice: Start with just five minutes of mindfulness each day. You can seek out guided meditations on self-compassion if starting on your own seems unrealistic. I love Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach’s dharma talks and guided meditations on self-compassion. Sit in a quiet space, close your eyes, and focus on your breath. Notice the thoughts and feelings that arise, without judgment. Instead of trying to push them away or act on them, simply observe them with curiosity. This practice helps you cultivate a compassionate distance from your emotional reactions, so you can respond with kindness rather than stress.
Journaling: Journaling is a great way to process your emotions and develop self-compassion. Try writing about your struggles from a place of compassion—what would you say to a friend going through the same thing? Here are a few prompts to get you started:
What are three things I can say to myself today that are kind and supportive?
When I’m feeling anxious, what will comfort me and can I offer myself this comfort like I would to someone I love?
What does my inner critic sound like? How can I gently challenge these thoughts and replace them with self-compassion?
Self compassion has to be cultivated and won’t happen overnight. The more you practice, the easier and more natural it will become. These exercises help you practice self-compassion in real-time, creating a more supportive inner dialogue and shifting your response to anxiety and emotional pain. Over time, they can help you build emotional resilience and navigate difficult moments with greater ease and kindness toward yourself. Once you get the hang of this you may surprise yourself that you are able to extend more compassion to others too, improving your relationship with yourself and the people you care about.
Self-Compassion in Tough Times: Coping with Stress, Anxiety, and Uncertainty
Life can feel like a lot sometimes—whether it's the stress of personal hardships, the weight of political unrest, or just the general overwhelm that comes from juggling too many responsibilities. In moments like these, self-compassion becomes especially important. When we’re facing challenges, it’s easy to forget to show kindness to ourselves. Instead, we may criticize ourselves for not being “strong enough” or “handling things better.” But self-compassion invites you to pause and recognize that it’s okay to struggle.
When you feel overwhelmed, try acknowledging your emotions without judgment. For instance, you might say to yourself, This is really difficult right now, but I’m doing my best. Giving yourself permission to feel what you feel helps ease the pressure and creates space for healing. Instead of pushing yourself to fix everything, practice accepting the moment for what it is, knowing that it doesn’t define you.
In times of political stress or societal upheaval, it’s also helpful to remind yourself that you’re not alone in these feelings. Many others are navigating the same waves of uncertainty, and it’s natural to feel anxious or disheartened. Practice connecting with others who share your concerns, while also remembering that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Take breaks when needed, and focus on what’s within your control. If you are feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders, reach out to others for support. Unless you’re an Olympian, sprinting this marathon won’t work. You need to bolster your strength and resilience for the long road ahead and self-compassion is going to allow you to endure the challenges before you.
Practicing self-compassion during tough times doesn’t mean ignoring the difficulties—it means giving yourself the grace to experience them without adding unnecessary guilt or pressure. You deserve care and tenderness, especially when things feel hard. And if you’re someone who wants to do something, it will give you more clarity about what you can and cannot control and how to engage and take meaningful action.
Building a More Compassionate Relationship with Yourself
Self-compassion is more than just a concept—it’s a powerful tool for reducing anxiety, fostering emotional resilience, and improving overall well-being. By practicing self-kindness, embracing common humanity, and staying mindful of your emotions, you can begin to shift your inner dialogue and create a more supportive, balanced relationship with yourself. Remember, you don’t have to be perfect or have it all together to practice self-compassion. It’s about giving yourself the grace to be human, especially in times of struggle. For those perfectionists out there, let go of your idea that you have to do this “perfectly”. Self-compassion is actually about embracing imperfection and letting go of unrealistic expectations. The goal is to be with what is and finding self-acceptance. I encourage you to experiment with these self-compassion practices in your daily life—whether it’s through kind self-talk, mindfulness, or simply acknowledging your feelings without judgment.
Is Anxiety Therapy in Oakland for Me?
There is so much uncertainty right now - more than ever before in our lifetime. You are not alone. If you are feeling burnt out and paralyzed, overwhelmed or just so sad and unable to move through these feelings on your own, anxiety therapy in Oakland can help. In therapy with me, we will work to cultivate self-compassion and navigating uncertainty. You don’t have to do this alone; together, we can work on finding acceptance, and cultivating a more compassionate and resilient you.
Contact me for a free 15-minute consultation for anxiety therapy in Oakland, and let’s begin healing and tending to your well-being.
Anxiety therapist Oakland, Lara Clayman, LCSW
Author Bio:
Lara Clayman is an anxiety therapist in Oakland who specializes in working with anxiety, anxiety therapy for multicultural and mixed race adults and trauma.
Contact her for a free 15-minute consultation to find unfreeze and find relief from anxiety and despair.
